Morning rant, why I think this country is a fucking joke! 

  

Last week I was talked into sitting down chilling and watching a film (which I rarely do), the film was called “Kajaki”  

based on the true story about a small unit of British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan, basically they had found themselves trapped in a mine field, it’s the true and extraordinary accounts from the brave solders involved who risked their own lives to help each other! 

I had to watch the film in two parts over two evenings, I can honestly say after 30 minutes I was fully broken, I cried myself to sleep thinking about these boy’s out fighting a war FOR OUR COUNTRY with little recognition.

I can hold my hands up and admit I’m guilty of never really sitting down and considering what these young lads are out doing and the bravery it takes to do their job This country is a fucking joke , these soldiers are the ones that are the true heroes not fucking dicks like footballers, tv stars or singers so why the fuck is the only support offered to them during and after war is fucking CHARITY BASED… 

Where the fuck are the government and what the fuck they spending their dollars on….  

I concluded in my little head that I would use this film as an example to myself when I need motivation on life , before I have a moan il remind myself

 “someone somewhere is coping with a million times worse”

The next day I phoned the dentist all by myself about a toothache i have moaned and cried about for approx 4 years, I went to an emergency appointment ended up having 2 teeth taken out (ripped out) and 3 roots taken out…. 

To some this is no biggie, but for all that know me this was massive I have been sedated by the dentist since the age of 14 because of what I thought was an extreme fear/phobia… 

I told myself “I may be crying like a little baby holding a nurses hand at the age of 30 but nothing il ever go through in life will ever come close to that of these soldiers”

I highly salute every single one of you past and present, what an amazing job you all do ❤️ 

This morning I woke up to read this

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/hello-mum-this-is-going-to-be-hard-for-you-to-read-1753008.html 

Broken

Again 

Dear mike.

Dear Mike
I’m writing to you in response of your letter, although you never asked me to I just felt the urge to pick up a pen and start writing my thoughts as I know il probably never recall them again.
First off my initial thought was to pick up a pen and start correcting your letter, not by the information you had included but to mark incorrect spellings, and use of grammar punctuation and the things that are completely irrelevant.
Why? I don’t know but have a few ideas,
was it because I wanted to patronise or belittle you once again battling for control?
was it a way to feel good about myself trying to remember there are parts of me i often forget when I look in the mirror I forget the good things I have achieved in my life, this been the more academic side I don’t have a chance to use anymore.
Was I trying to think about anything but the content itself as a way of rejecting my feelings and focusing on something irrelevant?
Whatever the reason i was left feeling judgemental guilty and well basically a nasty bitch!

The second reason for my letter comes from my desire to move forward in my life and try to recognise what went wrong and deal with theses problems during our sessions so hopefully I can find a better and happier way of living.
I constantly feel like my mind is over crowded with different memories, thoughts and feelings that somehow when I’m asked about these or try to decide my self what these are nothing comes out I just feel pressured and my mind goes blank, maybe trying to write some down may work for me, anything is worth a go, I have a million thoughts but nothing to talk about.
When you first read your letter to me I tried my best not to listen, after my initial try not to crack up laughing standard response.
I heard the words you spoke but didn’t hear much of what you were actually saying if you see what I mean, the typical in one ear out the other springs to mind.
This happens a lot.
It took 4 attempts over 3 days for me to get through and read the whole letter itself, i would get a few lines in and feel overwhelmed by emotions I didn’t want to feel, I would get a huge lump in my throat and tears just started to stream from my eyes without warning and I would put the letter down and forget it for that time, it was so frustrating I really wanted to read it, you had asked me to try myself during the week, so i that’s what I was trying to do, I was getting angry at myself “why can’t I do this simple task”
In the end I decided with myself I was going to do it, and for the first time ever I decided I needed to put myself through some uncomfortable and painful feelings and whatever emotions I would feel, however much I was going to cry I needed to just let it in allow myself to cry just for the short time it would take to read two pages of a letter, no one was looking, no one would know and i don’t ever have to do it again if I don’t want…..
Continue reading

Your words hurt!!! 


The things I wish I had said to the words that hurt me most

Just a list of things people have said over the last three years il never forget,
although they probably did not realise how painful they were to me.
These words I think about every single day over and over again and the replies I was screaming in my head wishing I had the strength to say.

YOU HAVE GOT TWO FUCKING CHILDREN TO THINK ABOUT THIS IS NOT A GAME YOU BEST GET HOME AND BE A MOTHER!!

Firstly we don’t have a home
secondly, play a game? Living in my head is a million miles away from a fucking few rounds of monopoly,
thirdly, have you ever been in such a bad place you feel a burden to the whole world and that you just make things worse? The ones you love are better of without you?
I know I’m a mother
Yes I have just attempted to take my life
in a moment of madness I thought I was doing it for my children so they didn’t have to be put through this world of mine anymore! Instead of shouting at me why not ask me why I’m so sad or how I got to the point I felt this was my only way out?

Let’s be honest tho you’re only making it up to get housed and for the benefits, fair play to you girl, everyone knows this bpd and bipolar business is a load of crap that some lazy spoilt brat put a name to as an excuse for been lazy attention seekers with a sob story to moan about!

I don’t even know where to fucking start you uneducated moron, I would chop of my own arms and legs not to feel the way I do, and if you ever knew me at all you would know money, bricks and materials mean nothing to me and the people I hate most in the world are those that think these items are what they need most, when in fact the best things in life are absolutely free!
LOVE! TRUST! FAMILY! FRIENDS! HAPPINESS and OXYGEN
Shall I go on?
This statement was actually from a very close family member

Will you ever see a happy day?

I can only wish!
And I wish someone could answer that for me!!!!

You really are proper hot but you know your problem? you know it to much and you use it to get your own way, it bores me when you make out your insecure

Oh my fucking God are you for real, I can not even look in a mirror I hate the person that looks back at me, I haven’t hid in my house for two years because I think I’m to sexy for society to cope with.
Are you willing to give me an example of me getting my own way?
I can name a time…..
Not fucking once ever!

You have changed and I don’t like the person you have become

In other words
I lost 4 stone,
you put on 4 stone
your jealous I’m not the fat friend anymore!
Don’t hate me because you ain’t me, as my friend you should have been proud of me for working so hard!

I let my guard down with you and for what? Your emotionless with a heart made of stone, it feels like I’m lying next to someone that hates me
am I that repulsing to you that you can not kiss me or put an arm around me, I give you my all and get absolutely nothing back, you have broken me!

You couldn’t be further from the truth, if I’m completely honest I’m madly head of heels in love with you and that’s why I can not come near you,
Love makes me scared
It makes me scared in more ways than you could possibly imagine,
love gives you and the rest of the world happiness and experience good emotions
Love makes me feel pain, worry, fear, anxious, and completely out of my comfort zone, I become extremely vulnerable knowing my thoughts are controlled by someone else, and because of this somehow it massively changes my everyday behaviour, I dedicate myself into controlling everything else around me
I develop obsessions just to feel in charge of something
e.g eating, cleaning, working non stop etc etc I could go on but I’m sure that’s a good enough reason for me to be a fucking ice queen

If you were a stranger in a club I would have no problem kissing you!
I’m such a fuck up!

Dear Mike 

Dear Mike, 


It’s 5.40am the morning after we finished our last therapy session, I’ve spent the night (as I regualary do after our meetings) analysing my life, the past the present and altimatley my future.

I lie here trying to dig away in my head looking for all the boxes that I’ve collected over my life and locked away every thought feeling or emotion inside, I was starting to think I’d hidden them way to deep to find again or even lost the keys completely.

Like most evenings I get into bed and read books or blogs on other peoples personal journeys about mental health, addiction, therapy, medications, and recovery, tonight I read a sentence that stood out and made me think about today’s session the session we named WILL I ALWAYS FEEL WALKED OVER AND WILL I BE ABLE TO CHANGE THAT! 

Taken from a blog I follow ……

The truth is, you have to be prepared to try new things and to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Nobody likes that, but if you don’t challenge your thoughts/feelings/behaviours they won’t change or improve. You also won’t learn about your strength, but we can all be very strong when we need to be. We, as humans, tend to push through things and move forward. But the only way you can start to move forward is by clearing your path of any barriers or by finding or creating a new/different path for yourself.
Give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen?

I couldn’t of read this at a better time!

What is hold me back preventing me to push forward? 

More importantly WHO?

I turned over and looked down at him (we will refer to him as mr D) a million thoughts raced through my head, love, hate, good memories , bad memories, happiness, anger, rage, but most of all I felt pain! 

I have just opened my first box

I have decided to start clearing that path, and what better way to do it than start with the biggest barrier of all, it can’t be that hard, right? 

il be very interested to read this back during our next session and to see if mr D is still robbing me of my future 

Wish me luck😁