Dear mike.

Dear Mike
I’m writing to you in response of your letter, although you never asked me to I just felt the urge to pick up a pen and start writing my thoughts as I know il probably never recall them again.
First off my initial thought was to pick up a pen and start correcting your letter, not by the information you had included but to mark incorrect spellings, and use of grammar punctuation and the things that are completely irrelevant.
Why? I don’t know but have a few ideas,
was it because I wanted to patronise or belittle you once again battling for control?
was it a way to feel good about myself trying to remember there are parts of me i often forget when I look in the mirror I forget the good things I have achieved in my life, this been the more academic side I don’t have a chance to use anymore.
Was I trying to think about anything but the content itself as a way of rejecting my feelings and focusing on something irrelevant?
Whatever the reason i was left feeling judgemental guilty and well basically a nasty bitch!

The second reason for my letter comes from my desire to move forward in my life and try to recognise what went wrong and deal with theses problems during our sessions so hopefully I can find a better and happier way of living.
I constantly feel like my mind is over crowded with different memories, thoughts and feelings that somehow when I’m asked about these or try to decide my self what these are nothing comes out I just feel pressured and my mind goes blank, maybe trying to write some down may work for me, anything is worth a go, I have a million thoughts but nothing to talk about.
When you first read your letter to me I tried my best not to listen, after my initial try not to crack up laughing standard response.
I heard the words you spoke but didn’t hear much of what you were actually saying if you see what I mean, the typical in one ear out the other springs to mind.
This happens a lot.
It took 4 attempts over 3 days for me to get through and read the whole letter itself, i would get a few lines in and feel overwhelmed by emotions I didn’t want to feel, I would get a huge lump in my throat and tears just started to stream from my eyes without warning and I would put the letter down and forget it for that time, it was so frustrating I really wanted to read it, you had asked me to try myself during the week, so i that’s what I was trying to do, I was getting angry at myself “why can’t I do this simple task”
In the end I decided with myself I was going to do it, and for the first time ever I decided I needed to put myself through some uncomfortable and painful feelings and whatever emotions I would feel, however much I was going to cry I needed to just let it in allow myself to cry just for the short time it would take to read two pages of a letter, no one was looking, no one would know and i don’t ever have to do it again if I don’t want…..

Dear Mike

Dear Mike, 

It’s 5.40am the morning after we finished our last therapy session, I’ve spent the night (as I regualary do after our meetings) analysing my life, the past the present and altimatley my future.

I lie here trying to dig away in my head looking for all the boxes that I’ve collected over my life and locked away every thought feeling or emotion inside, I was starting to think I’d hidden them way to deep to find again or even lost the keys completely.

Like most evenings I get into bed and read books or blogs on other peoples personal journeys about mental health, addiction, therapy, medications, and recovery, tonight I read a sentence that stood out and made me think about today’s session the session we named WILL I ALWAYS FEEL WALKED OVER AND WILL I BE ABLE TO CHANGE THAT! 

Taken from a blog I follow ……

The truth is, you have to be prepared to try new things and to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Nobody likes that, but if you don’t challenge your thoughts/feelings/behaviours they won’t change or improve. You also won’t learn about your strength, but we can all be very strong when we need to be. We, as humans, tend to push through things and move forward. But the only way you can start to move forward is by clearing your path of any barriers or by finding or creating a new/different path for yourself.
Give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen?

I couldn’t of read this at a better time!

What is hold me back preventing me to push forward? 

More importantly WHO?

I turned over and looked down at him (we will refer to him as mr D) a million thoughts raced through my head, love, hate, good memories , bad memories, happiness, anger, rage, but most of all I felt pain! 

I have just opened my first box

I have decided to start clearing that path, and what better way to do it than start with the biggest barrier of all, it can’t be that hard, right? 

il be very interested to read this back during our next session and to see if mr D is still robbing me of my future 

Wish me luck😁